President Obama poked fun at himself and cracked jokes about everyone from Mitt Romney to the Secret Service at the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Here are some of Obama's best jokes of the night:
"My fellow Americans, we gather during a historic anniversary. Last year at this time, in fact on this very weekend, we finally delivered justice to one of the world's most notorious individuals." (An unflattering photo of Donald Trump showed on the screen.)
"Despite many obstacles, much has changed during my time in office. Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena."
"It's great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom -- or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper."
"I mean, look at this party. We've got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference."
"Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let's not forget that's a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush."
"The White House Correspondents' Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. -- a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom."
"Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on The Today Show -- which reminds me of an old saying: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious."
"As my stepfather always told me, 'It's a boy-eat-dog world out there.'"
On Romney: "We both have degrees from Harvard. I have one, he has two. What a snob."
"Recently, [Romney's] campaign criticized me for slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on 'The Merv Griffin Show.'"
"In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I'll pass it again."
"Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel ... Jimmy got his start years ago on The Man Show. In Washington, that's what we call a congressional hearing on contraception."
"I really do enjoy attending these dinners. In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew."
Read the full transcript and watch the video of Obama's speech.
Jimmy Kimmel's Best Jokes from the Correspondents' Dinner
Jimmy Kimmel, the host of this year's dinner, took aim at Republicans, Democrats, the media, and more in his comedy routine.
Here are Kimmel's funniest jokes from the night:
To Obama: "I know you won't be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service. Please cover your ears, if that's physically possible."
"Mr. President, remember when the country rallied behind you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious. That was your best one yet."
"Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don't have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you."
"It's a thrill for me to be here with the president. A man who has I think done his best to guide us through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. You know, there's a term for guys like President Obama. Probably not two terms."
"If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais with President Barack Obama, I would have said, 'The president's name is Barack Obama?'"
""The president wanted to move (the correspondent's dinner) to the Kennedy Center, and the Republicans wanted to keep it at the Hilton. So, they compromised and here we are at the Hilton."
"They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House -- so is dinner."
"It's fun to have conversations with people who are so passionate about politics. I talked to a guy who is a huge supporter of Obamacare and a guy who says it's disaster that should be killed immediately. It was interesting, because I'd never met Mitt Romney before."
"When I think of Mitt Romney, I don't think of Etch-a-Sketch. I think of Twister: One foot on red, one on blue, and both hands on green."
"You can't have a beer with [Mitt Romney], because he doesn't drink. You can't have a cup of coffee with him, because he can't have caffeine. You can't even play Monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car."
To New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie: "I think you're misunderstanding New Jersey's slogan. It's not the Olive Garden state."
"Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every Scooby Doo episode."
"Rick Santorum is out. I guess it just wasn't Rick's year. Rick's year is 1954. You know, it's one thing to oppose gay marriage. It's another all togther to do it in a sweater vest."
"It's great to see the Gingriches here, because that means the check cleared."
"The reason he [House Speaker John Boehner] smokes so many cigarettes is because his tears keep putting them out."
"Last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are: ribeye and seeing-eye."
"I actually have my own theory about Lincoln's death. I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don't even think it was an assassination. I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision of what the Republican Party would become in 150 years, and he shot himself. Is the Fox table laughing, or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?"
"Hey, is that slug Rush Limbaugh here? People are still upset with Rush for comments he made about Sandra Fluke, but you know what? There is a reason Mr. Limbaugh said what he said, and that reason is Percocet."
"I'd like everyone to look under their seats. You'll find a copy of Keith Olbermann's resume."
"Al Gore launched Current TV in 2005, and it took off like a North Korean rocket."
"Mr. President, I hope you don't think I am out of line here, but marijuana is something that real people care about, and the fact that you believe Speaker Boehner when he tells you that he still has control of his party leads me to believe that you must be smoking some crazy great weed yourself."
Watch the video of Kimmel's speech.
See Also:
‧ Funny Barack Obama Quotes
‧ Funny Jimmy Kimmel Quotes
‧ Funniest White House Correspondents Dinner Speeches
Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter
"Saturday Night Live" Transcripts
