The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Donald Trump announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, 'There's only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I'm not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter." —Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump's head endorsed Gingrich." —Craig Ferguson

"Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn't it?" —Jay Leno

"To be fair, to Mitt Romney the 'very poor' means anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet." —Craig Ferguson

"He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch, rich dick. His point of view was. 'You wouldn't treat Obama this way. I'll bet you $10,000 you wouldn't treat Obama this way.'" —Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney's gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he's sending up to the moon colony." —Bill Maher

"Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial. Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like." —David Letterman

"I think I can prove that Mitt Romney is the whitest man ever because he won Florida, became the undisputed front runner, and then the next day, the host of Soul Train killed himself." —Bill Maher

"In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it." —Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon." —David Letterman

?"Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He's an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy." —Stephen Colbert

"A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama's car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years." —Jimmy Fallon

?"I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, 'a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'" —Stephen Colbert

"The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he's a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore...but enough about Romney and Donald Trump." —Bill Maher

"Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won't stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles." —Bill Maher

More Late-Night Jokes:
‧ Best Jokes of 2011
‧ Latest Late-Night Jokes
‧ 2012 Campaign Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
‧ The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
‧ Mitt Romney Jokes
‧ Newt Gingrich Jokes
‧ Barack Obama Jokes
‧ Republican Jokes
‧ Democrat Jokes

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The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there." —Jay Leno

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." —Conan O'Brien

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." —Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." —Jay Leno

"Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." —Jon Stewart

"I look at that picture and say, isn't that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?" —Jon Stewart

"Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" —Jon Stewart

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." —Jay Leno

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." —Daily Show tweet

"America gets a double A plus? The only other countries with that rating are Belgium and New Zealand. That's us now. Waffle-eating kiwis, putting mayonnaise on our French fries with a serious Hobbit infestation." —Stephen Colbert

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." —Bill Maher

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." —Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

"President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money." —Jimmy Fallon

"Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'" —Conan O'Brien

"We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by 'own it' I mean rent it." —Daily Show "senior black correspondent" Larry Wilmore

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." —Bill Maher

"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" —Conan O'Brien

?"Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim." —Stephen Colbert, on the Obama campaign's apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as "weird"

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." —Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." —Jay Leno

"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." —Jay Leno

"Corporations are people. It's time to remake 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled." —Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney's declaration that "corporations are people"

"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." —Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" —Conan O'Brien

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." —Jay Leno

"After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in." —Jimmy Fallon

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." —Bill Maher

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." —Jay Leno

"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face -- to terrorists." —David Letterman

?"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." —Jon Stewart

"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." —David Letterman

"The only way they're going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers." —Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party." —Bill Maher

"That's right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey... And don't tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it's the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?" —Bill Maher

"Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas." —Bill Maher

More Late-Night Jokes:
? Best Jokes of 2011 (So Far)
? Latest Late-Night Jokes
? Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
? The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
? Barack Obama Jokes
? GOP Candidate Jokes
? Michele Bachmann Jokes
? Sarah Palin Jokes
? Republican Jokes
? Democrat Jokes

Find Political Humor on Facebook | Follow Us on Twitter | Get Our Newsletter

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The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"By midweek the Democrats had given Republicans more than they originally asked for when the debt negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. Getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over." —Bill Maher

"John Boehner's plan: no tax increases and a trillion dollars in cuts. Harry Reid's paln: no tax increases, $2 trillion in cuts. This makes it very hard for the White House, because if the Democrats don't stand up for what they believe in, how can Obama sell them out?" —Bill Maher

"The world's saddest tangerine." —Jon Stewart on John Boehner

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." —David Letterman

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." —Bill Maher

"House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, 'Wait, you could have done that the whole time?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." —Bill Maher

"According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There's the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can't even add up the poll numbers?" —Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said — get their asses in line. This is typical Washington — if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses." —Jay Leno

"Facebook has added 'civil union' to its status updates. And next week they're adding 'whatever Michele Bachmann and her husband are up to.'" —Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, 'We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that.'" —Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." —Jay Leno

"Some big election news. It's rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned -- she's like, 'We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!'" —Jimmy Fallon

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." —Jon Stewart

"My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: Do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the f**k out." —Jon Stewart

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." —Jay Leno

More Late-Night Jokes:
? Best Jokes of 2011 (So Far)
? Latest Late-Night Jokes
? Last Week's Jokes

More Weekly Humor:
? The Week's Best Political Cartoons

See Also:
? Barack Obama Jokes
? GOP Candidate Jokes
? Sarah Palin Jokes
? Anthony Weiner Jokes
? Donald Trump Jokes
? Republican Jokes
? Democrat Jokes

Find Political Humor on Facebook | Follow Us on Twitter | Get Our Newsletter

View the original article here