Best Jokes Mocking the 2012 GOP Candidates

A roundup of recent late-night jokes poking fun at the 2012 Republican presidential candidates:

"A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called 'The Real Romney.' You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, 'Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry's presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they're now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain, and I forget the third thing." —Jimmy Fallon

"Ron Paul finished second. ... Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers ... and if his message continues to resonate ... and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that." —Conan O'Brien

Read more jokes about the GOP candidates...

See Also:
? Best Cartoons on the 2012 GOP Race
? Funny Pictures of the GOP Candidates
? Dumbest Quotes from the GOP Candidates

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

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Dating Fun Pick-Up Lines

''Excuse me, but does my tongue taste funny to you?''

Just wondering. So, anyway, here's an ample sampling of sure-fire pickup lines, guaranteed to get you a pickup or, at least, an arrest warrant.

DatingFun.com categorizes their romantic openers by ''Lines to Use on Girls,'' ''Lines to Use on Guys,'' ''Lines to Use on Anyone,'' ''Super Cheesy Lines,'' ''Lines With Rebuttals,'' ''The Worst Ones We've Ever Heard,'' and ''Dirty but Fun'' (for immature audiences).

''Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.''

Go: Dating Fun Pick-Up Lines

"Who's your daddy?"

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Political Cartoons of the Week

Check out our political cartoon gallery featuring the week's best political cartoons.

New this week: cartoons on Mitt Romney's Iowa victory, Newt Gingrich's fury, undecided voters, and more.

More Political Cartoon Collections
? Best Political Cartoons of 2011
? Best Cartoons on the GOP Candidates
? Mitt Romney Cartoons
? Occupy Wall Street Cartoons

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Readers Digest Laugh Lines - Humor in Uniform - Life in These United States

'Reader's Digest' Laugh Lines

A Funny Site of the Day with Mike Durrett

?Funny Site of the Day ‧?Recent Funny Sites ‧?Funny Site Archive ?"Reader's Digest" Laugh ? Lines Related Resources ‧?Hard to Digest ‧?Jokes Files ‧?Real Life Humor ?Humor Today ‧?This Day in History ‧?Entertainment News ‧?Breaking News Satire ‧ Jokes ‧?Late-Night TV Comedy ‧?Sounds ‧?TV ‧ Movies ‧?Video/DVD ‧?Comic Strips [an error occurred while processing this directive] ‧ Recent Articles ‧ Humor: Most Wanted ‧ The Obligatory Email Joke

Forever collecting true anecdotes from everyday people, "Reader's Digest" spins bundles of amusing tales in these categories:

The items are served at random and, as always, there's some money available to you: submit your own funny stories for publication.

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"Reader's Digest" Laugh Lines, part of the Fun and Games page.

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Political Cartoons of the Week

Check out our political cartoon gallery featuring the week's best political cartoons.

New this week: cartoons on Mitt Romney's Iowa victory, Newt Gingrich's fury, undecided voters, and more.

More Political Cartoon Collections
? Best Political Cartoons of 2011
? Best Cartoons on the GOP Candidates
? Mitt Romney Cartoons
? Occupy Wall Street Cartoons

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

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Top 10 Dumbest Mitt Romney Quotes

1. "Corporations are people, my friend." —Mitt Romney to a heckler at the Iowa State Fair who suggested that taxes should be raised on corporations as part of balancing the budget

2. "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me." —Mitt Romney, using an unfortunate choice of words while advocating for consumer choice in health insurance plans

3. "I'll tell you what, ten-thousand bucks? $10,000 bet?" —Mitt Romney, attempting to make a wager with Rick Perry during a Republican debate to settle a disagreement about health care

Read more Mitt Romney quotes...

See Also:
? Dumbest Quotes by the GOP Candidates
? Best Cartoons on the 2012 GOP Race
? Best Jokes About the GOP Candidates

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

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Know Your Meme or Know Your Destruction

Memes! Five or six years ago, they were easy to keep track of. You had your Rick Roll, your Chocolate Rain, your Grape Lady, your Long Cat. But now the memes are multiplying so fast that even I can't keep track of them. And that's like, my job. A job that I don't do nearly as well as the staff of?Know Your Meme. It's?the internet's foremost depository (and repository!) of memes from throughout the century, which just turned twelve years old (or eleven if you're a smarmy pedant). If you want to know your "Backtraced It"s from your "Can't Explain That"s, you owe it to yourself, and your country, to visit.

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Michele Bachmann's Greatest Hits

With Michele Bachmann ending her presidential campaign, we'd like to take a moment to thank her for all the laughs. She will be missed by comedians everywhere.

Here's a look back at her most memorable gaffes:

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too" —Michele Bachmann, getting her John Waynes mixed up during an interview after launching her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, where she grew up. The beloved movie star John Wayne was born in Winterset, Iowa, three hours away. The John Wayne that Waterloo was home to is John Wayne Gacy, a notorious serial killer.

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." —Michele Bachmann, while campaigning for president in South Carolina on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis's death

"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly — men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." —Michele Bachmann, botching American history while speaking at an Iowan's for Tax Relief event in January 2011. The Founding Fathers did not work to end slavery, and John Quincy Adams was not one of the Founding Fathers.

Read more crazy Michele Bachmann quotes...

Michele Bachmann Jokes

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" —Conan O'Brien

"After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?''' —Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is." —David Letterman

Read more Michele Bachmann jokes...

More 2012 Campaign Humor:
? Best Jokes Mocking the GOP Candidates
? Best Cartoons on the GOP Race
? Dumbest Quotes by the GOP Candidates

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

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Airport Security Cartoons

A gallery of political cartoons about TSA pat-downs, body scans, and airport security follies.

See Also: New TSA Bumper Stickers | Cartoons of the Week | Obama Cartoons

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potter mama jokes

Over the last decade-plus, J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series has captured the attention of countless millions with its fantastical, magical characters and settings. But there's one thing that makes these books (and their accompanying films) a little hard to swallow: where's the "Yo Mama" jokes? Are we supposed to believe that nobody at Hogwarts ever wants to smack down a rival with a sweet mama-burn? With jerks like Draco Malfoy running around just asking for it?

Courtesy of Buzzfeed, here's a list of soon-to-be-classic "Yo Mama" disses that any aspiring wizard can employ and enjoy.

1. Yo mama so fat, her patrous is a cake!

2. Yo mama so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses!

3. Yo mama so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham!

Image courtesy of Buzzfeed

4. Yo mama so fat, she joined the Death Eaters cuz she was hungry!

5. Yo mama's so ugly, the Dementor's Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.

6. Yo mama so fat that if she confronted a boggart, it would morph into a treadmill!

7. Yo mama's so nasty, everybody calls her She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked!

8. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge!

9. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Patronus is a kind of Tequlia!

Image courtesy of Buzzfeed

10. Yo mama's so nasty, the Forbidden Forrest was named after her!

11. Yo mama's so ugly that when the basilisk snuck up on her and saw her face, SHE dropped dead!

12. Yo mama's so fat that if you use sectum sempra on her she bleeds butterbeer!

13. Yo mama so nasty, Dobby wouldn't even take her sock!

Image courtesy of Buzzfeed

14. Yo mama's so old, she gave Nicholas Flamel his first handjob!

15. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes looking for the room of requirement she finds a McDonalds!

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Crazy Thoughts

Crazy Thoughts: Hundreds of funny thoughts for every day are shared on these pages. Sure, we may have seen many of them before -- George Carlin's name keeps popping into the mind -- but it's delightful to find so many nutty notions collected in one spot and the resulting good read is something to contemplate, too.

Sample Sillies: Some quotes and imponderables from Crazy Thoughts...

• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

• Why do we sing ''Take me out to the ballgame'' when we are already there?

• If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones' Thanksgiving and Flintstones' Christmas?

• Why do hotdogs come in packs of eight when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

• What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

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Funny Pictures Mocking the GOP Candidates

See a collection of the funniest captioned photos and parodies poking fun at the 2012 GOP presidential candidates.

Enter Gallery >

More 2012 Campaign Humor:
? Best Cartoons on the GOP Race
? Dumbest Quotes by the GOP Candidates
? Late-Night Jokes Jabbing the GOP Candidates

More Funny Pictures:
? Funniest Political Pictures of 2011
? Best Occupy Wall Street Signs
? Funniest Pictures of All Time

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

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Photobomb like Donkey Kong

If you're a connoisseur of social networks such as reddit or Tumblr, no doubt you've seen your share of Photobombs: otherwise hardcore/sexy/boring photographs disrupted/made awesome by one jackass in the background who intentionally or unintentionally throws everything off. But if you really love Photobombs, you owe it to yourself to visit This is Photobomb. (For maximum effect, imagine Leonidas from 300 yelling that while Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber sidles up to him in a bright orange tuxedo.) It boasts the ultimate collection of pictures that were improved by being ruined.

Image courtesy of This is Photobomb

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Photobomb Profile

Website: http://thisisphotobomb.com/
Monthly Traffic: 264,981 visitors (as of 07/10)
Description: Photos Interruptus.
Similar Websites: Awkward Family Photos, Ugly Overload, Black and WTF

What is "This is Photobomb"?:

If there's one thing that gets on my nerves about cameras, it's how they aren't magic! They capture everything within the frame, not omitting the things you'd rather forget and/or pretend never existed. Cameras are honest. And as Jimmy Carter proved back in the late '70s, everybody hates honesty.

And so sometimes our photos don't come out how we like. Sometimes there's some creepster or fatty or weirdo or jerkface lurking in the background, like George Costanza glowering behind the smiling Krueger family. But why edit these foibles out when they add so much personality? This is Photobomb says, "There is no good answer to that question."

Best of "This is Photobomb":

• Those are Some Great Melons
• Suddenly, Death From Above
• Oh This Does Not Bode Well
• Kissing in a Field Under a Full Moon
• D'awww, the Beer Baby is Almost Due
• Groundskeeper Willie
• Sneak Attack!
• The Impact of Culture
• Speedo Stroll
• Zoiks!

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Funniest Late-Night Jokes of 2011

See our roundup of the year's funniest political jokes by Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Bill Maher, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon, and Jimmy Kimmel:

A few gems:

"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." —David Letterman

"'The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people." —Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." —Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that." —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." —Jay Leno

"Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell." —Jon Stewart to Bill O'Reilly, after the Fox News host told him he was going to hell

Read more of the year's best late-night jokes...

See Also:
? Best Political Cartoons of 2011
? Funniest Protest Signs of 2011
? Latest Late-Night Jokes
? Best Jokes About the GOP Candidates

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

View the original article here

Ultraslo Ride, Take it Easy

FACT: The coolest looking things are the ones that happen the fastest. Why is this? Simple: because the world is cruel and doesn't want you to see amazing, otherworldly things. We get stuck with lousy double rainbows and sunsets and Victoria's Secret catalogs while popping balloons, water droplets and bug wings are where the real fun is at. But fret not, gentle reader; human technology has given us a great equalizer: the high speed video camera. And Ultraslo has given us a great place to watch these druggy clips. Is it funny? Strictly speaking, no. But there's definitely something funny about the hidden visual secrets of the universe. Tiny explosions!

Image courtesy of Ultraslo

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Wacky 911 Calls - Actual Calls to 911 Emergency Hotlines

Wacky 911 Calls

?Email to a friend ?Funny Site of the Day ‧?Recent Funny ‧?Funny Archive ? Wacky 911 Calls: ? ?Related Resources ‧?More Wacky 911 Calls (text) ‧?Real-Life Humor ‧?Prank Phone Calls ?Humor Today ‧?This Day in Humor ‧?Entertainment News ‧?Breaking News Satire ‧ Jokes ‧?Late-Night TV Comedy ‧?Sounds ‧?TV ‧ Movies ‧?Video/DVD ‧?Comic Strips [an error occurred while processing this directive] ‧ Recent Articles ‧ Humor: Most Wanted ‧ The Obligatory Email Joke

Real Phone Calls to 911 Emergency Hotlines

Enjoy these .MP3 audio samples from the CDs based on Leland Gregory's "What's the Number for 911?" book series. Hear actual phone calls to emergency 911 lines across America, with urgent messages of silly catastrophes and stupid people, including Butterfly Man, Psycho-Deer, and a stud, shall we say, romancing his swimming pool.

If you need a multimedia plug-in to "answer the phone," follow these links.

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Wacky 911

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Note: On my last visit to this material, the sound bites were not accessible. A sampling of 911 transcripts are available here and another report of wacky 911 calls may be found in the Related Resources in the right column.

~ Mike Durrett

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