Saturday, February 25, 2012

Across Oceans, Benson is Born

So almost a decade ago, these two Australian guys decided to put aside their comically oversized knives and make a comic strip. But rather than collaborating in some boring, it's-been-done way like one guy writing it and the other drawing it, they decided to take turns drawing panels one at a time, letting the story take shape organically. As an added bonus, for the last several years, this has been done through the mail between two countries that are over 10,000 miles apart (although they share a Queen). A neat novelty, certainly, and also a way of creating some amusing, irreverent comics that also stay relatively true to the tradition of newspaper funnies. See for yourself with our profile of Benson Comics.


View the original article here

Political Cartoons of the Week

Check out our political cartoon gallery featuring the week's best political cartoons.

New this week: cartoons on surging Santorum, the contraception controversy, Romney's "severe" conservatism, and more.

More Political Cartoon Collections
Best Political Cartoons of 2011
Cartoons on the GOP Presidential Race
Mitt Romney Cartoons
Newt Gingrich Cartoons

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Funniest Political Pics of All Time

Funniest Political Pictures of All Time View a series of the funniest political pictures from our ever-growing collection, including the best captioned pictures, parody images, and cartoons poking fun at Barack Obama, Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, the Clintons, and other favorite political punching bags.

Enter Gallery >

More Picture Galleries:
Funny Pics of the GOP Candidates
Funny Barack Obama Pictures
When Photo Ops Go Horribly Awry

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Presidential Wit and Wisdom

Funny Presidential Quotes In honor of President's Day, here's a collection of some of the funniest quotes by U.S. presidents:

"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward." —President Franklin Roosevelt

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." —President Abraham Lincoln

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." —President Bill Clinton

Read more funny presidential quotes...

Related:
Funniest Political Quotes Ever
Dumbest Political Quotes Ever
Late-Night Political Jokes

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Hunks of Metal Need Friends, Too

People have always attributed human characteristics to cars. Cars in pop culture have been people's mothers, vengeful murderers, the entire cast of a blockbuster animated movie, and, in one case, a partner in some very graphic sex with Lindsay Lohan (it's true; you should watch that movie). It's only natural that cars would make friends with each other. And of course, when cars form friendships, they're always with cars of the same make, model and color, because cars are viciously racist. Celebrate these bonds by reading our profile of "Auto Buds". This to-the-point tumblr was created by Jon Glaser, former "Late Night" writer/bit player and star of Adult Swim's "Delocated", and it just might make you giggle.


View the original article here

Geeks Who Happen to be Apple

When you hear about a web comic called "AppleGeeks", you might think that it's all about iPods and Pads and Macs and iClouds and trademarking "app store" and things of that nature. Actually, that goes for most potential titles that involve the word "Apple" without the words "Gala", "Seed", or "Bad" also being in there. And even then you couldn't be sure. As it turns out, AppleGeeks is not so much about Apple products and is more about some eccentric weirdos who happen to use them. And it's created by an eccentric weirdo who uses Apple products to make full-page, full-color installments of their surreal adventures. It's pretty, it's adventurous, and it's got jokes, jokes, jokes, (almost) none of which are about Steve Ballmer.


View the original article here

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Aristocrats Joke Database

Dirty language and explicit content have been overdone in humor. Together they are today's #1 sign of a comedy hack. Profanity is so 1974.

Hear, read, or watch naughty boys and girls and you're probably bobbing in a cesspool of comedic laziness or a numbing lack of creative talent.

A pinch of obscenity here and there for flavoring is one thing, but to be served a depraved meal and a cowpie is quite another. With few exceptions, I find potty humorists predictable and boring. They are lightweights, taking the easy, unclever road. I want to observe wit, not endure a litany of cursing buzz words from the bottomfeeder's thesaurus.

So there. That said, I am quite fascinated by "The Aristocrats" documentary wherein 105 professional comedians perform their variations on the most vile, raunchiest joke known to man, a show business secret dating back to the early 20th century.

It's not the specific crudenesses of the joke I'm fascinated by. It's the basic premise of the film I find attractive: a crowd of funny folks trying to dazzle each other with heretofore unspeakable, perverted logic.

Well, that's always been a party for me -- except the unspeakable perversion part. (I was very lonely in college.)

Ordinarily, I choose not to write on vulgarity at About Humor, but "The Aristocrats" has created some buzz in the mainstream media and is attracting playdates in mass appeal movie theatres. It is, therefore, a topic I need to address. Whether you choose to proceed is your decision. "The Aristocrats" is not for the squeamish.

And neither is The Aristocrats Joke Database, the destination and purpose of this article.

From Dead Frog: "This site features what has been described by 'The New York Times' as 'The Greatest Dirty Joke Ever Told' - The Aristocrats. Inspired by the forthcoming film from Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette .. this site is a home for filth virtuosos everywhere. Submit your version of the Aristocrats joke to the database and enjoy others."

And heed The Aristocrats Joke Database warning:

"This site contains variations on a single joke. A joke that is designed to offend. That is intentionally told with explicit language, sex, violence and disturbing imagery to see which teller can top the other. If you are faint of heart, you should leave now. If you aren't, you will be. You will be."

I've read several of "The Aristocrats" entries. My retinas are smoldering.

Visit: The Aristocrats Joke Database


View the original article here

George W. Bush Resume - Political Joke Archives

Previous Joke |?Next Joke

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

  • Ran for congress and lost.
  • Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
  • Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
  • Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
  • With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

  • Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

  • Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.?

  • Set record for most executions by any governor in American history. ?

  • Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

  • Attacked and took over two countries.
  • Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
  • Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
  • Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
  • Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
  • First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
  • First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
  • After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
  • Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
  • In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
  • Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  • Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
  • Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
  • Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
  • Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
  • Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
  • Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
  • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
  • My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
  • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
  • First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
  • Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
  • First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
  • Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
  • Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any?president in U.S. history.
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.?
  • Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
  • Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
  • Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
  • Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
  • First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
  • All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
  • My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
  • Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
  • First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
  • First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
  • First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
  • Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
  • With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
  • Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
  • First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
  • Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
  • Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
  • Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
  • Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
  • In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
  • Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
  • In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
  • Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

  • At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
  • AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
  • Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
  • All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
  • For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

Source: Kelley Kramer

Previous Joke |?Next Joke

Back to Political Joke Index




View the original article here

Craziest Rick Santorum Quotes

Crazy Rick Santorum Quotes With Rick Santorum surging in the polls, here's a roundup of crazy quotes by everyone's favorite sweater vest-wearing, gay-bashing, condom-hating crusader:

1. "In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." --Rick Santorum

2. "One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.... Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that's okay, contraception is okay. It's not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be." --Rick Santorum

Read more crazy Rick Santorum quotes...

See Also:
Dumbest Quotes by the GOP Candidates
Dumbest Mitt Romney Quotes
Rick Santorum Jokes

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Glenn Beck Conspiracy Generator

Glenn Beck Conspiracy Generator The liberal media won't tell you this, because they're too busy promoting Obama's socialist agenda to allow gay Muslim illegal immigrants to open a drive-thru abortion clinic in your church, but today is Glenn Beck's birthday.

As a special tribute, we invite you to put on your tinfoil hat and check out the old Glenn Beck Conspiracy Theory Generator — the secret source of his unfailing insanity.

He may have left Fox News, but you can still have a little piece of him whenever you need him.

Happy Birthday, Glenn Beck! We thank you for the comic fodder you've provided over the years, and wish you many happy returns to the mother ship.

Related:
Craziest Glenn Beck Quotes
Craziest Quotes by the GOP Candidates
Craziest Sarah Palin Quotes

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Awkward Public Displays of Affection

Funny Gay Marriage Signs In celebration of Valentine's Day, we present the awkward PDA hall of fame, featuring funny photos of politicians kissing, hugging, groping, and more.

Enter Gallery >

More Funny Pictures:
When Photo Ops Go Horribly Awry
Funny Pics of the GOP Candidates
Funniest Protest Signs Ever

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Monday, February 20, 2012

Rick Santorum Jokes

See Also:
Crazy Rick Santorum Quotes
Best Jokes About the 2012 GOP Candidates
Best Cartoons on the GOP Candidates
Funny Pics of the 2012 GOP Candidates
Dumbest Quotes by the 2012 GOP Candidates

"Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest." -Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

"They're saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there's a word that best describes Rick, it's 'swinging.'" -David Letterman

"I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'" -David Letterman

“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum...the little creep that could.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher

“Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth." –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm's way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest." –David Letterman

"Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a 'paler shade of what we have in the White House now.' And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, 'I thought that was the whole point." –Bill Maher

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again - on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that's true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight." –Jay Leno

"Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien

Read more jokes about the GOP presidential candidates...

Share With a Friend


View the original article here

Ninjas: Still Funny, Still Helpful

In the middle of the last decade, when the economy was still strong, Dick Cheney was still fat and Derek Jeter could still play baseball well, we were all captivated by the resurgent phenomenon of the ninja. Ninjas were everywhere. I mean, you couldn't see them - they're ninjas - but they were everywhere. Then the ninja fad got kind of big and blown out, eventually finding its way in big Hollywood non-blockbusters like The Warrior's Way and Ninja Assassin, leading to an inevitable decline. But throughout it all, we've had the helpful advice of the classic web series/podcast Ask a Ninja. Maybe the herd has moved on to new stuff, like guidos and Gagas, but at least one Ninja is still there for those who call.

Image courtesy of Ask a Ninja


View the original article here

Valentine's Day Ecard Maker

Whip up a cake for your sweetie through the miracles of the online Valentine's Day Ecard creator, hosted by Game Garage. Use the computer mouse as the virtual stand-in for a pastry squirter to design a cake to email to that special someone. Be sure to add a humorous flair, either in your artistic choices or via the accompanying sentiment you compose.

Create: Valentine's Day Ecard

Need Flash? Free Downloads


View the original article here

Web Comic + Time Machine = "Madderer Men"

The interminable wait for a fifth season of AMC's "Mad Men" won't be over until the summer. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ragingly misogynistic culture of the 1950s and '60s today! Not when Rob Scott's "Madderer Men" is around to pick up the slack. Kick back, light a cigarette, sip on a Scotch, and give your wife a couple good smacks across the face, and enjoy our profile of "Madderer Men". It's laughing at the differences between the genders the way your grandfather did. Not your grandmother, though, she was busy hiding from your grandfather because he would get in a terrible way when he'd been drinking.


View the original article here

College Humor's Odd Couple

Buddies! They're a great recipe for entertainment, even when the buddies in question aren't cops. The key to buddy comedy, as everyone knows, is to have one of the buddies constantly annoying the crap out of the other, but also being kind of vulnerable and cute, thus making everything cool. College Humor's buddy series Jake and Amir takes this concept to the absolute extremes of plausibility, and then decides to keep going. Amir's buffoonery and Jake's suppressed rage play off each other perfectly - the chemistry is better than you would expect from a web series. Next time you think your friends are annoying, watch this. And if you don't think your friends are annoying, you're probably annoying them.

Image courtesy of College Humor


View the original article here

Turn On, Auto-Tune In, Drop Out

The Earth was created 4.1 billion years ago. And in those 4.1 billion years, what was the best thing to happen? That's right, Antoine Dodson. Scientists speculate that something better than Antoine might've happened in another solar system, but we simply don't have the technology to determine this. But as great as Antoine's local news rant was, it wouldn't have reached such lofty heights without the auto-tuning treatment and accompaniment by The Gregory Brothers. Although it transcended its roots, the Bed Intruder song began as part of their Auto-Tune the News series. And if you haven't watched the rest of the series, in which TV talking heads became pitch-perfect divas, you're missing out.


View the original article here

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Funny Exam Answers

Website: http://www.funnyexamanswers.com/
Monthly Traffic: 10,989 visitors (as of 05/2010)
Description: Not smart? Be a smartass.
Similar Websites: Graph Jam, Indexed, PhD Comics

What is "Funny Exam Answers"?:

Exams! Is there any non-combat situation which results in more stifling pressure? And what better way to break the tension than a little levity? Funny Exam Answers will show you how! In fact, it's inspired me to share the following personal anecdote:

Back when I was in high school, I had a classmate who was not the best student. He makes more money than me now, working for UPS, but whatever; this isn't about my problems. Anyway, one day we took an Algebra II test and he had absolutely no idea and absolutely no interest in having an idea. So he just left the paper blank except for the handwritten note, "If you pass me on this test there'll be $20 waiting for you on the passenger seat of your car." Sure enough he got a D. He never paid the $20, either, but that wasn't an issue. He's a hero, if you ask me.

So, yeah. Funny Exam Answers is funny. Even if most of these answers probably didn't get the same results as my old buddy's.

Best of "Funny Exam Answers":


View the original article here

Buckles - David Gilbert - Comic Strips and Cartoons

"Buckles" by David Gilbert


?Funny Site of the Day
‧?Archive
?Humor Today
‧?News
Jokes
‧?Late-Night Comedy
‧?Sounds
‧?TV
Movies
‧?Video/DVD
‧?Comic Strips
?"Buckles" Related
? Resources
‧?Cartoons & Comic Strips
?

A Funny Site of the Day with your Guide Mike Durrett

King Features describes this cool comic strip pup as "more of an only child with canine instincts than he is the family pet. Buckles can display all the charm, innocence, naivete and cunning of a small child discovering how to find his way through life."

Today's color cartoon (Monday-Saturday) is available from seattlepi.com. The host syndicate publishes online two weeks after newspaper publication dates. There's a complete archive for the previous month


go Buckles by David Gilbert - humour"Buckles" by David Gilbert @ seattlepi.com
???? "Buckles" @ King Features



View the original article here

F**k the South - Funny Email Forward

Fuck the South

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves -- yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.?

Source: Fuck The South.com

Previous Joke |?Next Joke

Back to Political Joke Index




View the original article here

Ctrl+Alt+Del is a Web Comic About Video Games!

Comics are a series of images that, when combined with text (placed in "bubbles"), create a narrative. Classic comics include "Superman", "X-Men", and "Andy Capp". These days, many comics appear on the internet, and among those, a few are about video games. Most of them are about two dudes, fictionalized stand-ins for the creator(s) only cooler and more likable. One of them is Ctrl+Alt+Del, in which the aforementioned stand-ins work in a video game store and make humorous comments about the games they sell and play. If you like video games, and sets of two dudes, you will probably enjoy Ctrl+Alt+Del.


View the original article here

How People See Obama

This funny image making the rounds, inspired by the "How People See Me/What People Think I Do" meme, pokes fun at the way people see President Obama:

How People See Obama

Here's another picture lampooning what people think the Republican presidential candidates do vs. what they really do:

Republican Presidential Candidate: What I Do Meme

More Funny Pictures:
Funny Pics of the GOP Candidates
Funny Barack Obama Pictures
Funniest Pictures of All Time

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Political Cartoons of the Week

Check out our political cartoon gallery featuring the week's best political cartoons.

New this week: cartoons on Santorum's surge, Obama's Super PAC reversal, Obama's contraceptives mandate, and more.

More Political Cartoon Collections
Best Political Cartoons of 2011
Cartoons on the GOP Presidential Race
Mitt Romney Cartoons
Newt Gingrich Cartoons

Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter


View the original article here

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Wanna Shag

Humhumour todayr Today!

Surprise!

The Funny Site of the Day
February 13, 2001
?More Surprises!
‧?Previous Site
‧?Next Site
‧?The Love Bloats Menu
‧?Funny Site Home Page
‧?Other Themes
‧?Archive
‧?Most Wanted
‧?Random
?
?More Humor Today!
‧?News
Jokes
‧?Comedy
‧?Quick Quip
‧?Sounds
‧?TV
Movies
‧?Video/DVD
‧?The Internet Movie Strip
‧?Comics
?Related Resources
‧?Valentine's Day Humor
‧?Valentine's Greetings
??
?From Other Guides
‧?GuideHumor
‧?More Daily Pages
?

The Love Bloats
by Mike Durrett

Wanna Shag?
"Because nothing says 'I love you' like a good shag."

This site will floor you. Select from among "a quick shag," "a long slow shag," "a rough shag," "a gentle loving shag," "a menage-a-shag" or "a mile high shag." And share it with someone who likes to pile it on, while being kept underfoot.

Oo, baby. From eCrush, perfect for Valentine's Day or romantic amusement.


Surprise! Pages > The Love Bloats > Previous Site, Next Site, Funny Site Home Page, Other Themes, Archive, Most Wanted, Random

Humor Today! Next section > Today's News > Jokes, Comedy, Quick Quip, Sounds, TV, Movies, Video/DVD, Internet Movie Strip, Comics, Surprise!

<< Back

Humor Chat!

Humor is in the mind of the beholder. Proceed at your own risk. To bookmark this page, hit CTRL+D.


View the original article here