11. In My Day, Ballplayers Were For S***
An amusingly honest reversal of old timers' sports memories.It was 1931, at the old Polo Grounds in New York. Giants versus the Reds. Dad by my side and Crackerjacks in hand, I took my seat in the grandstand on a glorious Saturday afternoon. That's when I first laid eyes on him. Out there patrolling the grass in center field for the home-team Giants was Ducky "Lead Legs" Cronin. Worst ballplayer you ever saw. Christ, did he suck.
12. Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails
"I was really hoping to meet some ladies at DragonCon for a little of the old horizontal bop," said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months. "It didn't really pan out, though."
13. Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."14. Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
"That is majorly messed-up," roommate "Thatches" Moynihan said.
15. CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation.
16. Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.17. God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy; 'No,' Says God
"I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. "And now my prayer has been answered. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy."
18. Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway
Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.
"This baby just needs a little scrub down," said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked the sweat-covered top into the belt loop of his cutoff jean shorts.
19. Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."
20. Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence
"If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened?" Taylor added. "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions."
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